I originally thought that it was the people that were close to you that made life easier and more enjoyable. I have come to find in wedding planning that it is these people that are making my job as a bride more difficult and beyond stressful. I woke up this morning feeling light and excited. Giddy even. I was feeling better, having kicked the flu into next week (well, hopefully into three weeks from now when I plan on crashing.)
And then I get this email from my father. An email that he has sent to his listserv. To his clients. To his friends. With the title "My Daughter is Getting Married This Weekend". I think to myself "wow, he's excited. That's great!" Until I open the email. He calls Chris my "sex slave" and, in more words, lets me and the whole world know that I am so cold as to only keep them informed by email. This email, being the one sent to the bridal party and parents informing them of the times that they need to be places, because it's not the invitation time. It's a special time. Oh, and in my letting people know about where to be and when, that I forgot to mention the wedding! Obviously, I don't care about the wedding, the marriage. I care about the photos and the party. He then reposted my entire email.
A father is the person that should be there to support you. Defend you. And yet, I continually find myself protecting myself from this man that forked over some sperm 25 years ago. At what point do you stop trying to love someone that can't love you back? It seems that the only person that gets hurt is me.
I look back over what I just wrote and I realize that it was an email. An email that I can choose to let affect me. I can decide if I'm going to get myself twisted up in knots of the perception of events from a selfish, self-absorbed man. I decide how I'm going to feel.
I decide that I'm done. I decide that I am not going to spread myself so thin this weekend just to make others feel special. I've done what I can up to this point and now it's about Chris and I. It's about the life together that we are going to formalize on Saturday. It's not about making this person feel special or making that person feel included above others because they're supposed to be treated better because they're closer in the hierarchy.
It feels good to wash my hands and realize that what's done is done. People are who they are and I can't change them. The wedding will happen. The people that love us will be there. And it will be the best day of my life.